


The Lies We Tell Ourselves

by ysar



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-03
Updated: 2012-08-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 17:28:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 6,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/421471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ysar/pseuds/ysar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid."<br/>The lie he told to protect her has had nine years to destroy her, and it's time to pick up the pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When I began writing this, it was in small pieces, little scenes all thrown into a pile, but I was stumped as to how to paste it all together. Apparently I don't recognize a drabble fic when I write it.

* * *

~2011~  
  
I awake with a start, my sheets twisted tightly around my legs as proof that I’ve spent the entire night tossing and turning.  Nothing unusual there.  Ever since my sister announced her engagement, I’ve been having nightmares, my sleep plagued with horrific visions of the worst thing I’ve ever done.  
  
I don’t want to get on that plane.  I don’t want to fly home and see her.  But missing your sister’s wedding because you don’t want to face an old girlfriend is apparently not an acceptable excuse.  I should know.  I tried it.  In return I received an earful of the most hateful, curse-filled screaming one could possibly endure, a soft-spoken but ultimately ball-shrinking lecture from my mom, and a threat from my brother to simply beat me to a pulp and deposit my bloodied body in the church anyway.  There was clearly no getting out of it.  My one hope, the only spot in the whole mess that even hinted at something bright, is that she has moved on.  Perhaps she’ll walk in on the arm of a millionaire, three chestnut-haired kids in tow, sporting the Hope diamond and that sweet smile I remember so well.  It’ll kill me, but it’ll also tell me what I need so badly to know, that I made the right decision.


	2. Chapter 2

_~2000~  
  
“Good night, Edward,” she says with a shy smile. “Thanks for rescuing me.”  
  
Bella’s prom date backed out at the last minute, and I found her crying on Alice’s shoulder two days ago.  Alice gave me that look, the one that said, ‘You can fix this, you know,’ and that’s exactly what I’d done.  
  
She positively glowed tonight, letting me twirl her around the dance floor as her classmates looked on in envy.  They’re jealous of her beauty, of the fact that she’s escorted by a college junior, of the way she shines without even trying .   
  
I tried like hell to get out of it, even offering Emmett money if he’d take her instead.  But when she came bouncing up to me, all smiles and sparkling eyes, so excited about her dress and dinner and the silly boutonnière she’d ordered for me, I didn’t have it in me to tell her I was too old to be going to high school dances.  
  
She looks stunning, even after hours of dancing and a lot of stepping on my toes.  As she stands in the dim light on her front porch, her hair beginning to tumble from the clips that pin it up in soft curls, I find myself at a crossroad.  Bella is no longer the little girl who, with my sister, follows me around and gets on my last nerve.  She’s suddenly older, beautiful, curvy.  I don’t want to think of her that way.  On so many levels it’s just wrong.  I’m twenty-one; she’s seventeen.  I’m an adult; she’s still a kid.  I’m falling in love with her, have been for years.  She has no idea._


	3. Chapter 3

 

_~2011~_

The city limit sign rolls into view, and I brace myself for what I’m about to see.  The school where she’d sat in the bleachers, cheering me on at each football game.  The diner where we’d gone on our first "date" exactly one week after I’d gotten my license, even though she was far too young for the romantic feelings that would later develop on my part.  The grocery store where she’d taken an after school job.  The two-story white house with the rusty old truck in the driveway.  It’s like stepping back in time.  The only thing missing is the cruiser.

“Come on, man! Time to get drunk!” Emmett yells in my ear, clapping his enormous mitt on my shoulder and nearly knocking me over. 

I’ve barely had time to get my suitcases to my old room, and I’ve only just met Alice’s fiancé Jasper.  But Emmett’s ready to party, and if I know anything, it’s that there's no stopping him.  Mom warns us all to be careful and behave respectably, and Dad just laughs.  I know they're happy I’m home again, even if I’m being ushered out the door only five minutes after arriving.  The truth is that I’m glad for the escape.  I don’t want to face the forced conversation, the careful avoidance of certain topics, the disappointment I’ll see in their eyes when they don’t know I’m looking.  

 


	4. Chapter 4

  


_~2000~_

_She turns and reaches for the doorknob, and I catch her other wrist without thinking. She turns back toward me, a cute little 'v' forming between her brows, her confusion evident._

_'Edward?" she finally prods softly, and I realize I've just been holding on to her and staring._

_'Bella…I…" I don't know what to say, how to say it. But it's now or never. "Can I kiss you?" I ask, my voice cracking as the unfamiliar question passed through my lips._

_I've never had to ask for a kiss before. The girls I usually date, if you can call it that, make it more than clear that they're up for just about anything I want to do to them. But with Bella, I'm not so sure. What if she still looks at me as a big brother? What if there's someone else she has her heart set on? What if I'm just a complete pervert for looking at a seventeen year old girl like this?_

_Her eyes grow wide, and her mouth forms a breathless "o" as the sweetest pink blush creeps up her face. She immediately drops her gaze to her feet and mumbles something I can't make out._

_"What was that?" I ask, praying that she won't follow with something along the lines of, "You're disgusting."_

_"You don't have…I mean…I don't expect that, Edward," she say, her voice a little stronger, but her eyes still refusing to meet mine._

_"I didn't ask if you expected it," I say, suddenly finding my courage. "I asked if I could…because I really want to."_

_Her eyes fly back up to mine, and I watch as surprise and happiness and maybe a little bit of fear ignite inside that warm brown. "Okay," she barely whispers._

  



	5. Chapter 5

_~2011~_

We pile into Emmett's obnoxiously big Jeep, Jasper calling shotgun as Mike, Tyler, and I squeeze uncomfortably in the back seat. Fortunately, the ride to Lloyd's Tavern, Forks' poor excuse for a bar, is short.

Emmett has apparently called ahead, because the place is packed with people I recognize from high school, several of them doing the awkward man-hug thing when they see me and asking about my life in the big city. Within a few minutes we've shoved three tables together, and I'm surrounded by people I didn't care to remember.

Nine years. It's been nine years since I've been home. Family holidays are spent at my apartment in Los Angeles, my whole family flying in and staying in hotels so we can have catered meals around my dining room table. I've always insisted I can't get away from work, but the truth is that I want to leave the town of Forks in the past, forget about it and move on. The only problem is that I've never really managed the moving on part. Or the forgetting.

I was in California for nearly three years before I even asked another woman out. Sure, there'd been a few one night stands, each one as disappointing as the next, but never a real date. When I finally did put myself out there, it was always for some superficial creature that was more interested in my name and my money than a real relationship. The truth was that it was fine with me. If I'd been cruel enough to find a woman who wanted a home and a family and children, I never could have kept her happy. I suppose I could have faked it for a while, but it all would have gone to shit eventually. The fact was that I'd left my heart in Forks, broken into a million sharp little pieces and spread out at the feet of the only woman I never wanted to hurt.

 


	6. Chapter 6

_~2000~_

_I release her wrist and bring my hand up to her face, the heel of my palm under her chin, my fingertips resting against her soft jaw line, and my thumb brushing over her cheek. I stepped forward, tilting her face up to mine and leaning in, breathing in the heavenly scent I've been lost in all night. My heart skips a beat as her eyes flutter shut. I gently touch my lips to hers, a part of me still expecting her to slap me. Instead I am nearly knocked backward as her body collides with mine, her hands snaking around my neck, her fingers tangling in my hair._

_I can feel every curve of her pressed against me, every heartbeat pounding behind the soft breasts molded against my chest. My hands find their way to her hips, jerking her hard against me, pressing myself, aroused and fully erect, against her stomach. Her lips part in a sharp gasp and her eyes fly open in alarm._

_Trying to play it off, I give what I'm sure is an embarrassed smile, and I take a small step backward. But joy dances in her eyes, and her lips curve up in a seductive smirk, and before I know it, my tongue is in her mouth, my hands creeping up her waist, her leg lifting and curling around mine. Yes, I am going to hell, and yes, I am happy to do so, as is the very beautiful, very eager girl whose body is grinding against mine._

_We jerk apart suddenly, as enough floodlights to light up an airport runway suddenly flick on, and I can't help but smile at the mischievous, blushing girl now standing a safe distance away from me. The front door creaks open, and I shrug off my suit jacket, holding it as casually as I can in front of me as I try to hide the physical evidence that will surely get me arrested or killed._


	7. Chapter 7

_~2011~_

Lloyd's Tavern is one of the few places in Forks not haunted by memories of Bella, so while I could do without the cheap beer, secondhand smoke, and off tempo music of the so-called band on stage, it's probably the best place for me. Still, I can't help but imagine her, sitting at the bar, sipping on a…I wonder what she would drink. She hadn't yet been old enough when I left.

Or maybe she'd be leaning over the pool table, her cute ass popping out just before she misses the shot entirely. Or standing in the line to the ladies room, laughing with Alice and making eyes at me from across the room. I look around, hoping in vain to see her but knowing better. The closest I find is a small brunette, swaying her hips fluidly as she twirls around in front of the stage, arms raised in the air, and hair hanging over her face. But her hair is too dark and her moves too smooth to be Bella.

"So how'd you and Alice meet?" I ask, turning my attention back to the guys at our table.

Jasper pales, nervousness overtaking his expression, and the raucous laughter was there just a second ago dies into a tension filled silence.

"Uh…well..I sort of dated a friend of hers," he said, looking at Emmett like he expects some kind of confirmation.

"Yeah, they met through a friend," Emmett chimes in.

"Friend my ass!" Mike snorts loudly as he returns with a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor. Yes, this is _definitely_  a classy establishment. "More like he was fucking her friend. Actually, Edward, I think y-"

Whatever he's going to say is cut off by Emmett's massive elbow in his side.

"Shut up, man," he hisses threateningly while Mike whines about his spleen and various other organs that he's sure are crushed. "It's Jazz's night, dude. No talking shit about him."


	8. Chapter 8

_~2000~_

_"How was the dance?" Chief Swan asks, his eyes narrowing as he takes in Bella's flushed cheeks and freshly kissed lips before he turns his suspicious glare on me._

_"It was great, Dad," Bella says with a beaming smile. 'We danced to almost every song!"_

_He mumbles something that sounds a lot like "I'll bet," as he trains his best 'I can kill you and destroy the evidence' look on me._

_"We had a nice time, Chief Swan," I say, trying hard to sound more like Alice's big brother that the guy who'd come dangerously close to groping the police chief's daughter._

_"It's late, Bells," he says, his eyes still on me._

_"Okay, Dad," she says. "Just let me say goodnight, okay?"_

_He gives a kind of caveman grunt and steps back inside, leaving the door wide open and all the lights on._

_"Tonight was wonderful, Edward," Bella says, her chin tucked as she looks shyly up at me._

_"Can I...um...do you want to go...somewhere...dinner, maybe? Tomorrow, I mean?" I stutter, refusing to let go of what we've started._

_Her smile outshines the giant spotlights her father has us under, and she practically leaps forward, laughing as she kisses me hard and quick on the lips. "That would be perfect!" she says._


	9. Chapter 9

_~2011~_

I take a swig of the swill they call beer and lean back in my chair, waiting for someone to fill me in on what just happened. Instead, Emmett asks Mike about his wife, Jessica, and Mike starts bragging about his house and kids. If he wasn't such a dufus, it might be sweet. But instead he just sounds like one of those assholes at a class reunion, trying to one-up everyone else.

My mind wanders, as do my eyes, looking around the smoke filled room once again. I make the mistake of meeting the eye of a bleach blonde wearing too much makeup, and I immediately duck my head back toward the conversation. But it's too late.

"Hey, there," she says in a voice far too husky to be attractive. Her hot pink plastic nails graze down my arm, giving me the kind of goosbumps you get when someone scratches a chalkboard. Again, she misreads me, mistaking my shiver for attraction. "I'm Lauren," she says.

I look up at the guys, silently pleading for help, only to be met by their amused smirks.

"Lauren, honey, this is Edward," Emmett says smoothly, daring me to punch him.

"Edward...oh yeah, I remember you," she purrs drunkenly. "We should get together and relive old times."

"Tell you what," I say, leaning in close enough to whisper, "I can't really ditch my buddies right now, but you can meet me later. You know that red house behind the old library?"

"Uh-huh," she nods.

"Midnight."

She laughs and blinks at me like there's something in her eye and then walks away, shaking her lumpy ass and blowing a kiss over her shoulder.

"Damn, Edward. How'd you get rid of her so fast?" Tyler asks.

"Told her to meet me later," I say. "But I might have given her the wrong address."

Emmett laughs loudly, slapping me across the back a little too rough, and I just play it off. He'll probably hit me a lot harder after Lauren shows up at his house.


	10. Chapter 10

_~2001~_

_"Is this okay?" I ask. I'm nervous, scared she'll go through with it, and terrified she'll back out._

_"It's perfect," she says, beaming another one of her perfect smiles at me as she takes in the candles and rose petals I spent so long arranging._

_"It's not too cheesy?" I ask, still needing her reassurance._

_I've never really been a romance kind of guy, but I know Bella deserves something special, something thoughtful, something better than I would do for anyone else._

_She steps forward into the room and turns in a circle, her big brown eyes absorbing every detail._

_We've finally graduated, me from college, and she from high school, and we've decided to move in together. Chief Swan had a fit, of course, ending with a few poorly aimed shots at my beloved Volvo as I tore out of his driveway. But a few days later he surprised me with a call, inviting me to what would be a very uncomfortable, though ultimately satisfying talk over dinner._

_Bella and I shopped for apartments for weeks, finally finding one in our price range that wasn't too far from UDub, where she's enrolled for her first semester of college, and just a couple of blocks away from the gallery where I'll now be working full time._

_After signing the lease, I insisted that Bella stay home for just one more week while I got everything ready, wanting to surprise her by doing all the unpacking and furnishing the place before she moved in. And now we're here, standing in what will be_ our _bedroom, and I'm nervous as hell._

_She stands by the side of the bed, facing me, and begins unbuttoning her blouse. I want to step forward, undress her myself. But I am rooted to the spot, my eyes drinking in the gorgeous woman before me. I inhale sharply as she slides it from her shoulders, giggling as the cuff catches on her watch. She slips her shoes off and shimmies her jeans over her hips, kicking them to the side before a full body blush covers her skin. She bites her bottom lip nervously, never taking her eyes off me._

_She's everything I've imagined and more. Her pale skin is luminous against the cornflower blue lace of her bra and matching panties, and while I want to stare at her forever, just like this, my body has other plans._


	11. Chapter 11

~2011~

The talking continues, growing louder as more and more pitchers of beer are emptied, and one by one the crowd dwindles down. I know I'll probably regret it after drinking beer all night, but I'm beginning to loosen up, and I want something that wasn't brewed in someone's basement, so I get up and walk over to the bar.

"Scotch?" I ask.

The grizzled old man look at me like I've just ordered a live giraffe, but when I don't say anything else, he reaches under the bar and pulls out a dusty old bottle. Well, at least I know it's aged well.

I drop a twenty, telling him to keep the change, and turn around, leaning back on the bar as I sip my drink. The dark haired girl is still twirling in her lazy, solitary circle, but her hair is finally pushed back out of her face. She's actually kind of pretty, but occasionally she opens her eyes, sneering at any man that comes too close, and her beauty fades into something downright frightening. The band launches into a slow song, and as the soft strumming begins, I heard the clanking of bells against the door behind me. I turn to see who's drifting in so late and end up sucking my scotch right past my throat and into my lungs.

Her fingers are brushing over her hair, trying to calm the strangely tousled locks, and then she wipes the back of her hand across her lips and tugs the hem of her shirt down. Her skin is flushed and her eyelids heavy, reminding me of that just-sexed look she used to have so often when we were together. My stomach drops when I see a man's hand snake around her waist, resting far too low on her hip to be construed as platonic, but that feeling is quickly replaced by rage when I see the hand belongs to none other than Mike Newton. He whispers something in her ear, and she shrugs. He glances around worriedly, and then looks relieved as he rejoins the guys at our table. It doesn't escape my notice that his shirt is untucked.


	12. Chapter 12

_~2001~_

_We've enjoyed our fair share of heated make out sessions in my car or when we sneak upstairs before dinner at my parents' house, but we've never gone all the way. Not that we haven't wanted to; the timing's just never right. N_ _ow that we're living together, he has no choice, but before...well, I'd have had more access to Bella if her dad locked her in a tower guarded by a dragon or something._

_It didn't matter how respectful I was or how well I behaved. Chief Swan barely let Bella out of his sight when I was around, even stopping in a couple of times when we were on dates. I could only come into town on weekends, and he made sure he was off work every time. I know it's no coincidence that we saw an awful lot of cop cars every time we went out, and the thought of being caught in a compromising position was enough to make both of us too nervous to get very far. Even so, there were probably a hundred times we could have sneaked in a quick fuck and gone back to whatever it was we were supposed to be doing, but I didn't want it to be like that. I wanted more for her, more for me, to be able to fall asleep holding her and wake up with her in my arms. I actually tried to arrange it a couple of times, reserving the honeymoon suite at the Four Seasons on at least a dozen occasions, but each time Chief Swan waited until the last minute before putting his foot down and deciding that his daughter, eighteen years old or not, had no business spending the night in Seattle, no matter how many times Bella lied and insisted she'd be staying with Alice._

_I kiss her softly, trying to recreate the feeling of that first kiss, and Bella responds just as I expect her to, throwing herself at me and tempting me to just toss her on the bed and take her._

_"Patience, love," I whisper against her lips._

_She draws back and pouts, that plump bottom lip taunting me, begging to be kissed and nibbled and sucked. So of course, I do. I kiss her long and hard, dipping my tongue into her mouth as I cup her breast in one hand and her ass in the other. She gasps and moans and arches into me, and when I feel her legs begin to give way, I press her back onto the bed._

_"Welcome home," I say._

_She responds by slipping her hand down my pants._


	13. Chapter 13

_~2011~_

I down the rest of my scotch and tap my glass on the bar, signaling the old man for a refill, which I empty in one gulp. I try handing him money, but he waves me off, so I turned back to the room, trying to decide if I want to confront Bella first or Mike. But Bella's gone.

I walk over to the dimly lit hallway leading to the restrooms and find it's empty, so I scan the pool tables and dartboards but see no sign of her. Mike it is.

I stalk over to the table and jerk the chair next to Mike out.

"So where'd you run off to?" I ask as I clamp an arm over his shoulder so he can't turn tail and run.

"What?" he asks, looking like he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"I saw you walk in with her," I say.

"Who?" Emmett asks, his eyes darkening as he levels his gaze on Mike.

Good. At least I know one person here will back me up.

"Bella," I reply. I turn back to Mike. "Care to explain?"

"Look, man, it's not what you think," he says. "I didn't fuck her."

I want to rip his head off. I might have been gone for nearly a decade, but I'm not about to let anyone talk about Bella that way, even if it's to say they _didn't_.

"Edward, dude, calm down," Emmett says, noticing the spike in my anger. "She's different now."

"Different how?" I ask.

"She's just…she's moved on."

"With this little shit? This _married_ little shit?" I ask, gripping Mike tighter until he begins to squirm.

"It's not like that," Mike insists.

"Why don't you tell me exactly how it is?" I ask, my suggestion clearly more of a demand.

"She…well, Jessica doesn't…she won't…" he stammers. "Bella's always..you know.. _willing_."


	14. Chapter 14

_~2001~_

_What little control I have is broken, and I press into her hand, her fingers straining to wrap around my cock beneath the restrictive fabric of my jeans. I draw her nipple into my mouth, sucking hard against the lace as I reach down to undo my belt and ditch every piece of clothing I have on. She releases her hold to help push my boxers down, and I take advantage of the moment, standing quickly to shed them before pushing her thighs apart and running my tongue over the pretty lace that covers what I want most._

_Her hips jerk up, pressing into my face, and I push them back down again, holding her still._

_She nods, her eyes wide and her breaths coming in short pants as I raise up on my knees and hook my fingers under each side of her panties, pulling them down over her smooth thighs and finally tossing them aside._

_I kiss up the insides of her thighs, stopping each time she bucks upward until she settles down again, and finally find myself right there, my face just inches away from that part of her I've only touched in rushed, dark sessions before. To have her here, splayed out before me, offering that sweet slick wetness my tongue craves...it's beyond heaven._

_She's surprisingly strong for her size, her hips wresting free of my hold and pushing up against my face. Her hands are in my hair, trying to force me closer, needing more, needing me. I chuckle, and her whole body shudders, a small whimper escaping her lips. "Please..." she breathes, and I can't deny her._


	15. Chapter 15

_~2011~_

He hasn't even closed his mouth when my fist crashes against his face, my knuckles splitting against his teeth. He pitches sideways, taking the chair with him, and rolls away as I rear back to kick him.

"What's the big deal?" he yells.

Suicidal prick. I grab an empty pitcher, ready to smash it into his face, when my arm was suddenly stuck straight up in the air, Mike cringing on the ground below me.

"Let it go, Edward," Emmett says, yanking me backward by my oddly positioned arm.

"You're not gonna tell Jess, are you?" Mike asks, looking around at everyone but me. "She wouldn't understand," he offers as an explanation.

"Calm down," Emmett says just loud enough that only I can hear. "You've been gone a long time, Edward. Things have changed.  _She's_ changed."

I try reining it in, the rage that seeps from every pore, and shake my head violently, trying to will away the image of another man touching my Bella, _using_  my Bella like that.

"Umm...are we cool?" Mike asks, now standing safely on the other side of the table and half behind Jasper.

I shake my head, afraid if I even try to say anything, my fists will take over again.

"It's not just me, man," he says, holding his hands up in a surrendering gesture. "That girl's fucked half the town."


	16. Chapter 16

_~2001~_

_Her body writhes beneath me, her breathing becoming soft panting, as her hands push against the back of my head and pull at my hair. In an instant, her entire body arches upward, my name in screams filling the room as her thighs grip my shoulders and her pussy clenches in tight spasms around my fingers. I slow my movements, waiting as her mind returns to her flushed body, and then I pull myself up to lie over her and settle between her thighs. If we're going to do this, it needs to be now, while her body's still fresh from her orgasm and ready._

_"It's gonna hurt, isn't it?" she asks, looking up at me with so much more trust than I ever thought possible._

_"Probably," I answer, wishing with all my heart that it didn't have to. "I'll be as careful as I can, love. Just tell me if it's too much, okay?"_

_She nods, biting down on that plump bottom lip again, and I kiss her softly, nipping and tugging at it until she lets go as I positionmy cock against her entrance. Her eyes are filled with love and nervousness and fear and trust as I push slowly inside her, watching for the first sign of pain. At first she looks surprised, and her lips curve up in a tiny smile as I press deeper. The instant I hit her barrier, I stop, not really feeling it there so much as feeling her entire body tense._

_"Don't stop," she says softly._

_I'm not sure how to do this. Plunge in quickly, chancing that the pain will be brief, like ripping off a band aid? Or ease in gently, prolonging her discomfort but maybe lessening the overall pain? Clearly my hesitation didn't sit well with her, as before I have a chance to react, her hips thrust upward, sheathing me deep inside her as her eyes shut tightly and her mouth contorts into a grimace. I hold perfectly still, afraid to move, ignoring every instinct that tells me to pull and thrust inside her. Every muscle in her body is taut, her fingers digging into my arms so hard I'm sure her nails are cutting through my skin. But the worst is happening...lower._

_"Bella," I gasp, trying to ignore the tight clenching of around me. "Relax, baby. Please," I groan._

_Her eyes fly open, shining with unshed tears, and every thought of my own pleasure simply vanishes. I kiss her lips, her cheeks, her nose, her forehead. "It'll hurt less if you can relax," I say._

_She nods, letting out a shaky breath as she closes her eyes and seemingly wills her body to ease up. Her fingers unclench and rub over my arms, her legs lower, and slowly, tortuously, her grip around my cock loosens. I watch her, practically holding my breath, until I my arms began to burn from holding myself still for so long. Just as I'm afraid I'll begin shaking from the stress, she nods and tentatively rocks her hips. I drop my weight to my elbows, letting out my own relieved sigh, and thrust shallowly inside her._

_"I'm okay," she breathes. "You can move more."_

_She wraps her legs around my waist, and I begin pumping faster and faster, as her body rises to meet mine, until I'm thrusting in earnest. I want it to last longer, to show her that I have some stamina, but I'm afraid it'll be too much. I know this can't be comfortable for her, and she'll be sore enough without my drawing it out and making it worse. So instead of thinking of my grandmother's beige underwear draped over the shower curtain rod, I revel in the feeling of Bella's soft body beneath mine, her tight warmth gripping my cock, the sweet sounds she makes as her skin takes on the delicious sheen of sweat._

_"Bella, I..." I try to say, but it's too late. All my energy is coiled tightly, ready to spring loose and spill into her. I open my mouth again, trying to speak, feeling like I need to warn her or explain somehow, but a loud strangled grunt is all I can manage as I come, burying my face in her soft hair and finally managing to whisper my love for her as I twitch inside her._

_Her hands are cradling my head to her shoulder, and her legs fall from around me. Once I catch my breath, I raise up to look at her, and her eyes are sparkling, her mouth turned up in a wide grin. God, I love this woman._


	17. Chapter 17

_~2011~_

I'm pinned against the wall outside the bar, Emmett's arm pressed heavily against my throat as he holds my wrists over my head, grinding them painfully against the brick façade.

"Not me, Eddie," he sighs. "You know I'd never touch her."

"But...?" I couldn't even ask it.

"What exactly are you asking me, Ed?"

"I...I don't..." I choke on my words. Something inside me crumbles, breaking and melting and turning to lead, pulling me down into some cold abyss as I slump forward. Emmett drops my hands and eases up on my neck, only to have to catch me as I slide down the wall.

"It's not what you think. You know how gossip is in small towns," he says, trying to console me. "She's had it rough, but Mike's... God, he's such an ass."

Before I can respond or break down in tears, the door flies open, and a huge dark-skinned guy steps out, laughing as he carries a shrieking woman slung over his shoulder. Her chestnut hair brushes over his back as she slaps at him, and I hang my head, not wanting to see the ghost of the girl I've always loved.

"Wait!" she exclaims. "I know him!"

I chance opening my eyes and look up. Her face is the same, older maybe, but still soft and sweet, those uneven lips pulled into a drunken smile.

"Edward!" she says too happily.

The big guy spins around, whipping her face from my view to look me over. "Him?" he asks, still eyeing me warily.

"Yes! Turn me around!" she demands, laughing loudly.

He spins again, and she pushes against his back to raise herself up and look at me. Her head cocks to the side, like she's trying to figure something out, and then her flat, lifeless eyes meet mine.

"You cut your hair," she says, seemingly oblivious to the fact that I'm practically lying on the ground, and she's hanging upside down over some brute's back. "It looked better the other way," she says, and then she slaps his ass and demands, "Go!" dropping her head as he carries her off across the dark parking lot.

"You okay, man?" Jasper asks.

I didn't even hear him come outside.

"Did you...?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"It was before I knew Alice," he says, looking away, looking ashamed. "Bella's actually the one who introduced us."


	18. Chapter 18

_~2002~_

_I've finally done it. I've finally managed to get a real showing of my work at a real gallery in a real city - Los Angeles. And what's even better is that they put me on contract - I produce a set number of pieces a year, working exclusively with them in some sort of "new artists" program. Alice says it sounds like indentured service, and sure, I'm sort of stuck with them, but I've tried for months to have my work showcased at the Seattle gallery where I work. All they've every been able to give me is one piece in an out of the way corner when they didn't have enough to fill the walls. No one buys pieces that are practically hidden, and my meager salary isn't cutting it. I'll be out of savings soon if we stay here. But now we won't have to._

_Bella will be so excited, and while I know she won't want to move so far away from her family and friends, I have no doubt she'll follow me anywhere. We can fly down this weekend, start looking for a new place. There are plenty of good colleges in the area, too, so finishing her degree won't be a problem. And there we'll be, the artist and the writer, sitting comfortably in our loft somewhere creating our art together._

_I'm so excited I'm ready to burst, and Bella's in class for the next several hours, so I make the long drive to my parents' house, desperate to share the good news with someone. I've known about this for nearly a month, but I was waiting for the advance they promised. I've already rented out an empty loft that will make for an amazing workspace, and what's left should be enough for the move and helping with the much higher rent._

_Mom isn't home, and Dad's on the phone, so I go into his office to wait for him. It's in his home office that all serious discussions about my behavior, my mistakes, my future have always taken place, so it only makes sense._ _His desk is a disaster, as usual, covered in notes written on the backs of prescriptions and haphazardly stacked piles of manila folders. I settle myself in his cushy leather chair and wait, letting my eyes roam over the mess._

_'Swan, Charles A.'_

_Huh?_

_I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I know it's unethical, probably even illegal, but I don't think about that, telling myself this is for Bella. What I don't know is that this will change everything._


	19. Chapter 19

_~2011~_

I refuse to go back to the house. I don't want to be around anyone right now, especially the apparently dozens of men who've bedded Bella in my absence. Okay, maybe not that many. By my count there are just two. and Emmett seems to...I don't know. I just get a strange feeling from him. It's clear he knows a hell of a lot more than he's saying, but then again he's not really saying anything. I think it's just rumors, but it's killing me nonetheless.

Emmett finally relents and checks me into the old hotel a block from the bar, saying he'll pick me up in the morning and making me promise not to go anywhere without calling him. I'm definitely not going anywhere...unless crazy counts. The realization that I caused this washes over me like a sickness, crushing my lungs and twisting my stomach until I heave the night's beer and hot wings into the toilet I'm gripping like a fucking life preserver.

What happened to her? Where's that sweet, innocent girl I fell so completely in love with, the one who held my heart through all the empty years while I tried in vain to move on with my life. I told myself she'd move on, that she'd make a new life for herself, that she'd be happier. Instead I come home to find an empty shell of what was once the most beautiful creature in the world.

I know my leaving hurt her. If the timing had been different, if I hadn't been stupid enough to look through my dad's files, if I had just waited six more months before signing on...things would have been so different. Well, they're terribly different now, with the emphasis on terrible.


	20. Chapter 20

_~2001_

_"Edward."_

_My father's cold, quiet voice catches me by surprise, and I drop the file._

_"How long?" I ask._

_"You shouldn't have seen that," he says, avoiding my question altogether._

_"How long?" I yell, demanding to know just how much more time she'll have with the man she loves so much._

_"Six months? A year? There are no guarantees, son," he says apologetically._

_"I have to call her," I say, trying to push past him, but in a rare show of force, my peaceful, calm father grabs me by the shoulders and shoves me down into a chair._

_"You can't say anything."_

_"What the fuck, Dad? I can't keep something like this from her! He's her father!"_

_"And it's his choice, son. He's the one who has to deal with it. Let him do it his way."_

_"His way..." I shake my head. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?_

_I race home, now desperate to beat Bella there. I have to make some calls. I have to get out of this gallery deal._

_Only I already spent the advanced check. Signed a two year lease on that fucking loft space. Maybe I can get out of it, get the deposit back._

_I have to do something, though. We can't move now, not now that Charlie's dying._


End file.
